i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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