You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
