can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
