My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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