Will you blow on my dice?
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
