Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
