got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
