I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
