i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
