90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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