I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
