Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Randomize
