Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
