I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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