Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
