Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
