I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
