just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
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Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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