I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
