I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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