So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
