i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
