I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
