You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
