my phone needs a breathalizer
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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