Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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