He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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