There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
