Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
