The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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