I think my vagina is haunted
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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