I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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