I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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