a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
