turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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