I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
