I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
