I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
