after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
