Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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