theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
