a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
