Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
