He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
