Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Randomize
