This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
