i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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