Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
