there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
