"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
