just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
