Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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