Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
