I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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