is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
