How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
