I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
