You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
